Thoughts of a tortoiseshell-mum about patchwork

Even though I don't know how to use a sewing machine, and could not bring a quilt together, I do live in a so-called patchwork family. This basically means that my family is not build up classically with one father, one mother and their children. In my case I have two kids with my ex, let's call him Daddy 1, and one with another, my current partner: Daddy 2.
Some wishes come true, some wishes don't (or take their time) and other wishes do come true but in a different way than one imagines. Of course there have been significant reasons that caused the split-up with Daddy 1 and I don't wish to turn back time, but it has to be said that I just never dreamed of this as a girl. No, in my girl dreams I never imagined more than one father for my children.

The gifts of patchwork

It is in fact extremely difficult to have children with a person who's your ex. Normally with exes, when the relationship is over, you can at least try to forget about them. If you share children with your ex though (if you can't be together but as a father he is good for the kids), you have to get along together somehow. Daddy 1 is part of my family, the way I see it. The most difficult thing is: the patterns that made the relationship crash continue. This is gift one. Me and my ex have caused each other tremendous pain, not on purpose, but simply by being ourselves. Now, with more distance, we can experience the same pain sometimes, when communicating with each other. With time this distance makes it possible to observe much more calmly where the cracks are. The distance literally creates space to reflect what happened when we were still together. I can forgive myself, I can forgive him, I can understand it all. I can be thankful, both for the time we had, for the lessons and above all for our children.

But what if the difficulties still arise, after sh*tloads of understanding and forgiveness have been felt, spoken out and given? Again: the patterns that made the relationship crash continue, is still a gift you can count on. Ok, in this case you just really are two different characters that can not deal with each other in daily life's situations. Sharing kids is an emotional subject but out of practical reasons it is for the best to talk about this rationally and make clear appointments. Is my view. Not everyone's view. Not in every patchwork-situation. The parents have to find their personal way. It takes time, it takes effort. The couple that has not been ideal together in a classical family-situation isn't very likely to be ideal as exes but parents.
For the sake of my children I learn more and more to talk about their father the way they see him. It is not always about my point of view. Actually, 'I' gave up the small I that wants her point of view as the centre of the Universe's attention for definite when the contractions started that would result in the birth of my first child. With the waves I thought 'aah, this is too much about me for me. I will be so happy when she is there, then She is the middle for me.'  Despite mood swings that belong to being alive and also of course still the being of a person, she and her brother are forever 'it' for me (and for Daddy 1) and I want them to know this.

Because my kids are here, I learn to love my past-me. Even imperfect, so different than I imagined to live life in my ideal dream-world. I look at these kids, I see my and Daddy 1's weaknesses back in them, but also our strengths. It is like this kids are us in a parallel world where it does work together. We are their parents, no matter what. Even though my choices have not always been very wise, the result is perfect.  Again, I can understand it all, I can be thankful. Such gifts!

Letting go, setting borders.. I sometimes feel like I can not be completely happy when I know that Daddy 1 is not doing well, also because it often influences us directly. The distance helps with letting go. It is not my responsibility anymore, even though it has never been, I have been taking it as mine?! The patterns that made the relationship crash continue. Hell, am I actually finally growing up through this experience?

The beauty of patchwork

Patchwork surprises me. Patches that I never thought together until my inner life-artist and the one of my current partner suddenly saw completion in their combination. Not denying there is also a sadness in the hearts of my first two children over the break-up, I also see that the presence of Daddy two is enriching. The harmony at our home makes them flourish. Because of patchwork, they speak three languages and get lots of other input, giving them options to grow in new directions. For me as a parent, it is more easy to pull a straight line because we find consensus as two-patchwork parents easily. We are clear as partners, as parents. I feel like I've been honest and faithful to myself to go this way. I feel like I have been creative. I want my kids to see that I take responsibility for my own happiness. That it is healthy to let go of what makes it impossible for us to grow. Each and every member of this family is here to blossom, no matter this blossoms turn out to be small or big.
My life is not bought from a catalogue. What I looked for, I did not find it all at once. I found a patch here, a patch there. Now I look at it with a smile. My part of the blanket seems ready, but who knows? If Daddy 1 one day maybe gets a child again, new partner and kid will also belong to our blanket.
I dare to do 'patchwork' much more in other parts in my life as well. Instead of seeing bits of interest and knowledge here and there that 'I can't do anything with' I feel like every little bit I've done, and learned can somehow be combined and integrated somewhere to result in a fascinating whole that stands out in authenticity so strongly, that one can not help but simply LOVE, this perfect imperfect life.

If you are a patch in a patchwork-blanket please share your thoughts on the subject in the commentary-area bellow.